Friday, 7 January 2011

I Draw the Line at Nappy Changing...

It's a pet peeve of mine that some men have the highly irritating ability to seem deceptively intelligent.

I'm not talking about the 'can't tie their own shoes but can solve a quadratic equation in under three seconds' sort of anti-genius here, but instead rather average chaps who can at first appear highly engaging, eloquent or (I fucking hate this phrase) 'switched on' but rapidly show themselves to be all talk and no trousers.

It's the intellectual equivalent of 'I'm not a racist, but...'

Unfortunately, shrouded within the fog of their ability to Google, it usually takes me a while to work out these gentlemen are entirely full of shit; being that, as a functional human being I'm initially inclined to expect the best from everybody I encounter.

It's often said that bad luck comes in three's and to add insult to injury the situation is no different post-'revelation of undeniable idiocy'.

It has been my experience that two further discoveries often follow:

1) They have an inability to empathise with anything outside of their games console, guitar or absurdly repugnant house-pet.

2) Logic: e.g. thinking rationally through the consequences of their actions, somehow manages to utterly escape them.

As is the way of women, should you call them on any of the above you are likely to get a response akin to a toddler who has just been berated for eating the weeks supply of Bonio dog biscuits in one sitting.

In essence, it's entirely not worth the hassle - or the equally childish revenge they will undoubtedly wreak by, for example, sticking chewing gum to the arse of your favourite dress or waiting until you fall asleep and spitting in your ear.

Much as one wishes (whilst popping your LBD into the freezer in the vague hope of salvaging it) to display some impressive chest-beating, Amazonian emancipation by telling said man-boy to go fuck themselves with the Guitar Hero expansion for their Wii remote - as ever, there is often a catch.

We may have 'liked' them when they were the well-spoken Casanova we first met, but now that they've been revealed as almost offensively thoughtless, demanding and yet strikingly vulnerable we begin to fall in love with them.

Twisted, no?

You see, women may not like to admit it but our inbuilt mothering instinct makes us incredibly susceptible to picking up strays - and if said stray has one ear, a broken leg and scabies it's probably going to hold our attention far longer than one which appears perfectly healthy and thus we feel obliged to release back into the wild.

It's a pity.

One can rant about the need for relationships of 'equals' until you're blue in the face but these things work both ways - if you're not willing to seek out something beyond unpaid babysitting then that's what you're going to be stuck with.




  1. A question or two.

    1: As someone who doesn't like the idea of a relationship of equals (personally, rather than as a concept), how do I equate my gentlemanly and charming attitude (complete with the traditionally dominant body language and manner) with my desire to see women in the dominant role, both sexually and otherwise? Much of my charm and attraction comes from my tall, dark strangerlieness (I am told) but this belies an inner belief in my own subordination. Is the idea of a traditional Man as a submissive partner an attractive one, or would it cause problems? It's easy to fall into the trap of allowing a certain degree of assertive behaviour, which one may find attractive, yet which ruins the sub/dom dynamic that the relationship is based on. How far does one retain one's personality into the relationship before it becomes apparent that one or both parties is attracted to something that is only half real?

    2: Will I die alone?

    3: Fancy going drinking sometime? All my other friends are either depressive or teetotal.

    Good to see you haven't abandoned cyberspace completely.


    P.S. While I maintain that video games are cool, I will happily concede that Guitar Hero is for pricks.

  2. Hey Sweetie,

    Interesting questions, let me endeavour to formulate something bordering on a worthy reply.

    1) As a fellow who engages in dom/sub relationships you must surely be aware that 'equality' is foremost what you make of it and as such (being that both male and female are adopting a role in which they feel the most comfortable and by proxy empowered) it's only external parties, who've watched too many late night documentaries on Channel 5, that would view it as a pre-tipped scale in favour of the person declaring themselves dominant.

    It has been my experience that the functionality of relations between a dominant and submissive is hinged upon an incredibly admirable bond of trust far more than power play.

    To comment briefly upon the idea of natural masculinity subverting these values, to say that your 'tall, dark strangerliness' undercuts a dominant female is to suggest too that should she doff the PVC and appear to you in a Victorian tea-dress bearing home baked cookies then she is no longer in a position of perceived control.

    The crux of the matter is this – in most cases (and I say 'most' quite specifically) it's not about gender reversal, to be submissive is not to become effeminate, much like to be dominant is not to adopt the affectation a butch lesbian.

    You enter into these things exactly as you are and should either person feel themselves unable to accept this then you're not with the right woman.

    2) Therefore, no, you will not die alone you morose arse. ;p

    3) We'll do coffee.



  3. I look forward now to dying surrounded by the screaming pleading faces of my victims.

    Feminisation is one of the things I go for in being submissive, so my view of the subject as a whole is skewed by that specificality, which is totally and utterly a real word. I think your take on it is probably the best way to think of it, and you are completely right on the trust issue.

    07743 041 655

    Give me a shout when you're free and we'll get hopped up on caffeine.