I shall tell you from the offset, this post has been written over the course of the day in gaps between academic engagements (where I sat in empty rooms and would usually have been twiddling my thumbs) or during the lectures themselves - sometime last night I decided to develop a fairly nasty chest and throat infection so I'm remaining silenced and thus entirely useless.
It is also set to be one of my longer entries.
Having slept fitfully, the first thing I did when I awoke was to make myself a cup of tea and read over what I only vaguely remember writing in the early hours of this morning.
My reaction was as follows; 'I really should delete this, it makes absolutely no sense, wait, I can't because that would go against everything I started this project for. Bollocks. OK, I may as well try to wade through my pseudo-philosophical rambling and attempt to justify or (if I'm absolutely scraping the barrel for ideas) at least clarify it if only for myself'.
As such, I've chewed it over for a number of hours and a few too many aspirin to reach a conclusion...
I believe what I was attempting to illustrate, through my rather misjudged ultimatum was an imaginative culmination of the past few day's worth of blogging and discussion with various people.
I have previously admitted that I revel in deception but only, it seems, of myself - it has become increasingly clear that this has brought about nothing positive, and over the course of a few weeks I have almost imperceptibly outgrown my longest trusted defence mechanism simply because it outlived its effectiveness.
I am ready to cut ties with play acting my way from one day to the next and equally so with those that have encouraged me to do so.
I laid down my demands, few that they are, and yet Edwin Black (for I will name and pin this devil) you failed to step up to the mark. I'm done with waiting for plans made in the heat of passion, a lifetime ago for us both, to come to fruition.
Holding my breath was getting uncomfortable anyway.
This ship has now sailed and it is headed for fairer shores than yours, though where they rest (or if they are as of yet even in sight) I don't know. Yet, I have no doubt I will love again as passionately and give my heart as freely a hundred times over.
You see, thanks to science we're able to live four, five times longer than our Great Great Grandparents who partnered, married and had children (generally) with a single person. Not because their love was any better, or their monogamous moral fibre more sturdy but because they died.
Although it is my belief you never fall out of love with a person, you simply stop liking them, to claim you are only able to love once - one single, insignificant bit of carbon out of billions - is to do yourself an emotional injustice.
You can love a partner yet you would never claim an inability to love your children as ferociously...or your grandparents, parents, siblings, friends?
We are built to interact - to seek out contact, exchange, understanding, happiness...this ability is not lost because your first boyfriend fucked you over or your marriage ended.
It's about time I started taking my own advice:
I will devote myself with heart and mind to those that earn it and make fair exchange.
I will understand that to not be in a relationship is not to be alone.
I will not live by a series of plans: mourning their loss should they fail or only allowing myself to feel elation if they are carried through.
I will understand life is flux, we alter moment to moment and to try and contain a universe of possibility in a house, a car or a dog is just silly.
I will forget each one of these the second his eyes meet mine across a crowded bar.
Annie.
<3
Having slept fitfully, the first thing I did when I awoke was to make myself a cup of tea and read over what I only vaguely remember writing in the early hours of this morning.
My reaction was as follows; 'I really should delete this, it makes absolutely no sense, wait, I can't because that would go against everything I started this project for. Bollocks. OK, I may as well try to wade through my pseudo-philosophical rambling and attempt to justify or (if I'm absolutely scraping the barrel for ideas) at least clarify it if only for myself'.
As such, I've chewed it over for a number of hours and a few too many aspirin to reach a conclusion...
I believe what I was attempting to illustrate, through my rather misjudged ultimatum was an imaginative culmination of the past few day's worth of blogging and discussion with various people.
I have previously admitted that I revel in deception but only, it seems, of myself - it has become increasingly clear that this has brought about nothing positive, and over the course of a few weeks I have almost imperceptibly outgrown my longest trusted defence mechanism simply because it outlived its effectiveness.
I am ready to cut ties with play acting my way from one day to the next and equally so with those that have encouraged me to do so.
I laid down my demands, few that they are, and yet Edwin Black (for I will name and pin this devil) you failed to step up to the mark. I'm done with waiting for plans made in the heat of passion, a lifetime ago for us both, to come to fruition.
Holding my breath was getting uncomfortable anyway.
This ship has now sailed and it is headed for fairer shores than yours, though where they rest (or if they are as of yet even in sight) I don't know. Yet, I have no doubt I will love again as passionately and give my heart as freely a hundred times over.
You see, thanks to science we're able to live four, five times longer than our Great Great Grandparents who partnered, married and had children (generally) with a single person. Not because their love was any better, or their monogamous moral fibre more sturdy but because they died.
Although it is my belief you never fall out of love with a person, you simply stop liking them, to claim you are only able to love once - one single, insignificant bit of carbon out of billions - is to do yourself an emotional injustice.
You can love a partner yet you would never claim an inability to love your children as ferociously...or your grandparents, parents, siblings, friends?
We are built to interact - to seek out contact, exchange, understanding, happiness...this ability is not lost because your first boyfriend fucked you over or your marriage ended.
It's about time I started taking my own advice:
I will devote myself with heart and mind to those that earn it and make fair exchange.
I will understand that to not be in a relationship is not to be alone.
I will not live by a series of plans: mourning their loss should they fail or only allowing myself to feel elation if they are carried through.
I will understand life is flux, we alter moment to moment and to try and contain a universe of possibility in a house, a car or a dog is just silly.
I will forget each one of these the second his eyes meet mine across a crowded bar.
Annie.
<3
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